Some years ago I wrote articles for a site called Helium. They would post topics and the challenge was to write something that was connected to that title. This is what I wrote for the topic Satire: Overpopulated Grave Yards.
You’ve heard the old joke, “People are just dying to get in.” Well, it’s true. There is a shortage of prime real estate and prices are beginning to soar. But never fear should you pass, kick the bucket, buy the farm or just plain die like the rest of us there still may be room for you.
Nano coffins are just the latest thing. Our Nothing at All New Offer is the same old coffin with a tiny footprint. Don’t you worry about your carbon either. In a new NANO we seal you up so tight there is no way any of your atmospheric contaminating decomposition is every going to escape. NANO now comes in basic “Night As Neutral Original” and our new and improved model we call”Neat Anatomical Nylon Orange.” Yes, there is nothing like a NANO when it comes to squeezing you or your Not As New Oldie into the niche of your choice.
Speaking of nice niches our experts have devised new technology to maximize the minimum space required to milk the most money you may make for months to come. Now Aunt Nora or Uncle Ben can be squeezed side by side into a space never before thought possible. For twice the price your grandparents paid, we can put three times the relatives into one third the space. The math is truly amazing.
Moreover, our NANO will soon come with 21st century holographic imagery. The fantastic addition is nicknamed Obie One, from the ancient holographic message of movie fame, “Help me Obie One. You are my only hope.” The Newer And Now Observer holographic hover message will play the really life like message of your loved one calling back from beyond the grave. What will we think of next?
For those who prefer cremation there is the new NANA, Nothing At All New Ashes. If you thought NANO was small just wait until you see NANA. Woops you just missed it. That’s not a nickel on my desk. It’s Uncle Bill. These hollow nickel size NANA micro urns come in Silver, Gold and Platinum. Yes, with our new technology we can reduce your ashes to infinitesimal particles. We would be proud to place you or a loved one in our special NANA hallway here at the NANO gardens. However, many people like to acquire the mantel piece model with little coin slots for the whole family.
So don’t you worry, everyone else may be dying to get into the grave yard but at NANO we’ve got you covered.