People often ask themselves, “What makes a good partner.” There are to common ways people choose a mate. There are to common ideas that fit the old sayings. Birds of a feather flock together and opposites attract. My guess is if there isn’t a “spark” there will be no romantic fire. I am convinced that self knowledge and getting to know the other is most important. Moreover, understanding of personality type is an essential part of getting to know oneself and our significant other.
Personality Type
There are 16 different personality types. None is better than another and each pair can make a good marriage. Success depends upon our ability to maximize the potential agreements and minimize the conflicts. It is important to value both how we are alike and different. It is most important to allow each other to be who we are and make accommodations and compromises when necessary.
The Basics
So let’s look at the basics of personality type. There are four behaviors we all must do. We need to garner energy, gather information, make decisions, and deal with the world.
We are energized either through Extroversion or Introversion; either from without or within.
We gather information either directly with our 5 senses or indirectly using our intuition.
We make decisions primarily with feeling or thinking.
We deal with the world either through perceiving as much information as possible or judging what we already know.
We all do all these things. However, we all prefer one over the other. Think of it this way.
EXTROVERT————————————INTROVERT
SENSING——————————-———INTUITION
FEELING—————————————-THINKING
PERCEIVING——————————— -JUDGING
You could make a guess where you fall on the line between the two. You can fill out a survey on line.
The Differences
Here are some descriptive pictures of the differences.
Extroverts go to a party early visit with everyone and leave late energized.
Introverts, if they even go to a party, visit with one or two people and leave early exhausted.
Sensing people notice the things around them the furniture and decorations, the carpet or tile, the temperature and the lighting.
Intuitive think the people who live here are neat, or busy, or uptight or relaxed, without really knowing how they know.
Feeling people want to know what is a good decision and how it will bring harmony.
Thinking people what to know what is logical and good.
Perceiving people go with the flow and gather information until there is no more.
Judging people like order, and closure. They want to move on to the next decision
Blind Spots and Challenges
If you and your significant other are birds of a feather in one or more of these areas then you will have “blind spots.” For example, my wife and I are both Intuitive Feeling types (NF). We have had to work hard at learning to manage our money.
If you and your significant other are opposites who were attracted the difference can become annoyances. You will need to learn to appreciate them, accommodate them, compromise, and make allowances. My wife and I differ in dealing with the world. She is a strong perceiving type. I am a strong judging type. I can become annoyed when she leaves doors and drawers open in the kitchen. She becomes annoyed when I turn out a light before she is ready to be in the dark. There are also the proverbial d e ions to be made about where to eat out.
From the above examples you can see that we can have both similarities and differences in our relationships. It is also true that the more we are alike the more blind spots. Also the more we are different the more possible conflict. Two ENFJ types together will have one set of challenges. A couple who are ISTJ and ENFP will have other challenges.
Things to keep in mind
Here are some other things to keep in mind. Extroverts and introverts behave differently In conversations. Ask an extrovert a question and they probably will begin to answer immediately. Ask an introvert and you will usually get some silence. Over time I learned As an Extrovert to understand that I think out loud either speaking or writing. Yes, sometimes that is in my head but not preferably. I sometimes remind my wife, “ Remember, I don’t know it’s stupid until I hear myself say it. Conversely it is helpful when wanting to have a serious or difficult discussion with an Introvert it is helpful to give them both a heads up on the topic and time to internally think about it.
Sensing is the function that helps athletes, musicians, and surgeons. You want these tasks done by people who are consciously aware on the things, large and small that are within their sphere of influence. The same is true when it comes to cleaning the house and driving your car. Obviously there are lots of people like me who are not dominate sensing types that live in the world. If you are the Absent Minded Professor type it is helpful to have assistance from an understanding sensing partner.
Intuitive types have an uncanny ability to “read” people. However, if pressed they usually don’t know how they know. Also strong intuitive types can get lost imagining scenarios about people and situations they see. I score extremely high in intuition and near zero on sensing. I am constantly making guesses about there interactions I witness in the world. I sometimes like to contrast the fictional detectives Sherlock Holmes and Colombo. Holmes notices tons of sensing information and then puts the pieces together to nail the criminal. Colombo instinctively knows who did it in the first scene but must painstaking search for the clues that proof what he already knows.
When it comes to deciding it is good to have both feeling and thinking perspectives. Some situations call for more of one or the other. If your partner has created a work of art and you are a thinking type it is important to train yourself to appreciate first and critique second. When it comes to helping an addictive child cold logic trumps compassion.
Here is a tricky fact. When on vacation people often switch their preference. For example, strong Judging types like me may want to go with the flow. At the same time strong perceivers may want to be more scheduled than usual.
Dichotomies of the Mind
There are other things to learn about personality type from the work of Walter Lowen and his Dichotomies of the Mind theory.
For example he has shown that each of the four Functions Have preferences for time, input, numbers, and needs .
| Sensing | Feeling | Intuition | Thinking | |
| Numbers | 1 | 2 | Infinite | Many |
| Input | Contact: Touch and Taste | Vibes: Tone & Pitch | Remote: Smell & Humches | Visial: Edges & Patterns |
| Time | Present | Past | Future | History |
| Needs | Fun | Belonging | Meaning | Control |
It can also be helpful to identify our Transactional Roles. For a complete list as it relates to your specific type see the How to Understand People series.
Much of Lowen’s thought is sentenced around levels of consciousness and entropy. Think of the later as the old saying about all work and no play. We each have four of what he calls Modes: Work, Play, Challenge, and Creativity. These relate to the Four types of output: Words, Ideas, Hands, and Body. For example my Work and Play are Words and Ideas. The restore each other. My Challenge comes with physical activity and they restore Words and Ideas.
Think about it like this, as a clergyman I spent much not my writing, reading, preaching and thinking about big idea as I am sharing here. For recreation I turned too tennis and cycling. My Creative expression came with my Hands playing instruments and doing Origami paper folding.
If you consider these Activities as they apply to yourself and significant other it will enrich your relationship.
PREPinc
I am also involved and I texted in other ways marriage can improve. Back in 1995 I Lear Dr. James Dobson, of Focus on the family interview the developers of PREPinc. (Prevention Relationship Enhancement Program). I was so impressed I traveled to Denver to receive training in their program.
The researched is so good because it based upon sound research. They identified the four behaviors that couple should always avoid: Escalation, Invalidation, Withdrawal / Avoidance,and Negative Interpretations.
When trained in this program all couples significantly improve. Troubled couples not only avoid divorce but thrive. I recently reinvested with PREP and will be offering the training in person and via Zoom. Find out more by visiting g their sire PREPinc.com and or buying their best selling book, Fighting for Your Marriage. Also see the shop here and get a copy of my book Recipe for a Happy Marriage.
Thus you can see that What Makes a Good Partner has more to do with how we grow and learn over time than it does with our initial choice.