How do you respond to being hurt by the church
It has been said the church is the only army that shoots its wounded. It is a serious condemnation. I’ve been there and felt the truth of it. If anyone ever begins a conversation with the words, “Can I share something in Christian love?” you might want to duck, you are about to be clobbered. When “the church” falls short of the teachings of Jesus it seems to hurt twice as bad.
Many people react by heading for the door and never coming back. Worse than this they give into the temptation to nurture the hurt, let it turn to bitterness and blame not only that particular church and or those particular people. They project their feelings of hurt and betrayal onto all churches, all Christians and even God. Why if you knew what so and so did to me, then you’d understand.
Let’s take a closer look at the problem. What do we mean by “the church.” This designation could refer to a particular congregation. It might in reality mean one person, a small group, or a pastor. On the other hand some people might focus their hurt upon a whole denomination.
The next thing to consider is what we mean by “hurt.” Are we talking about a personal insult, a betrayal of confidence, a lack of pastoral care in crisis, an embarrassing revelation, or public humiliation? Has some decision by a local congregation or national denomination made changes in the way it worships or what it believes? There are all kinds of things that might hurt.
Keeping in mind these questions, it is helpful to remember the adage that feedback belongs with the person to whom it belongs. Before telling the whole world your problem be sure you try to work it out with whomever is responsible for the offence. Use the X,Y,Z formula for feedback. In situations like X when you behave like Y, I feel Z. This keeps to the facts and lets the other person respond. They may not even know what happened and can respond with those three important sentences we all should know by heart. I was wrong. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.
If it is not possible to work things out, seek to forgive anyway. Walking away is still an option. Just remember if you don’t work through your hurt you’ll take it you with you wherever you go. If this is a matter of wider significance, as in changes in your denominations theology or practice, find a different church more in keeping with your faith. However, again it is important to come to terms with hurt, anger and forgiveness. Otherwise you could be the one hurting someone else in the future.
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