MBTI Compatibility: ENFJ & INFP
Common assumptions about choice of mate are suggested by two common phrases: Birds of a feather flock together; opposites attract. When considering Personality Type differences we may see that sometimes, both are true for some couples. This article will look at the pairing I know best: ENFJ and INFP. I am the ENFJ and my two wives INFP. No I am not a polygamist. My first wife died after a prolonged illness.
First we will discuss how dominant Extroverts and dominant Introverts can learn to get along. At the base of any disagreements is the fact that these two types are energized opposite ways.
It is just as the labels suggest. Extroverts are energized in the outer world interacting with other people. Introverts are energized while alone nurturing their inner selves.
The classic differences are usually described in relationship to attendance at parties and other gatherings. Extroverted types arrive early, talk to everyone, and are among the last to leave, exhilarated. Introverted types arrive late, perhaps talk to just a few others or maybe only one or none, and leave early exhausted.
Another difference reveals itself in conversations. I can tell you, being a strong Extroverted type, that I almost can’t think without speaking or writing. If you start a conversation with me, especially by asking a question, I immediately begin to speak. What you hear will not be my best thought. I’m just getting warmed up. I used to tell my late wife, “Remember, dear, I don’t know it’s stupid until I hear myself say it!”
Introverts are the opposite. They think internally to themselves, considering the alternatives. The first thing you get is silence. When they do speak it is their best thought already formed.
Thus if, as an Extrovert, and you wish to have a serious conversation with an Introvert, it is best to suggest a time in the future. Then when the appointed time arrives limit your speaking to leave room for the Introvert because they are not liable to interrupt you.
Meanwhile, it is helpful for Introverted types to know these things about their Extroverted companions. Try to be understanding when they cut into your comments. You might go so far as to make a time out sign when we Extroverts have not let you speak.
Friendships are another area of comparison that may be more alike that they seem. We Extroverted types typically have lots of friends. We make them easily and worry ourselves about the relationships hardly at all. Introverts find it more difficult to make friends because they are not interested superficial connections. They can rise to the occasion and make small talk but don’t really like it. They want the deeper inner connection with more meaningful conversations.
You might find it interesting to know that I have been married to two strong Introverts. Both my late wife and my current spouse are INFP. Moreover, I have had several other INFP friends. What that tells me is that although I have many friends my deepest most meaningful friendships are with my Introverted wives. Conversely this works well for my wife. I am the one person she can share with deeply.
Sometimes Introverts will look more extroverted. Take my INFP wife for example. When you look at the letters INFP you need to understand that Introverts deal with the world with their Auxiliary Function. So for INFP Introverted Intuition is Dominate and Extroverted Feeling is Auxiliary. My wife is a nurse and has to interact with lots of people at work. Many would think her Extroverted as they interact with her Extroverted Feeling Auxiliary Function. They do not know these interactions are exhausting.
Somewhat the opposite is true for Dominate Extroverted Types. I am an ENFJ. Extroverts deal with the world using their Dominate Function. In this case Extroverted Intuition. I find it strange but true that other people seem to be more aware of what I am feeling before I do. My Auxiliary Feeling function so introverted you might hear me emphatically say “I am not angry!” I have to use a lot of energy to fully engage with my own feelings. It is certainly helpful for my wife to understand and help me with this.
As long as I have been using our marriage for examples I will move from the four Functions to discuss the Perceiving – Judging differences. It is helpful to think of the continuum between these two polarities for what they represent. They are the difference between preferring to gather data or making decisions. That is, either Sensing or Intuition versus Feeling or Thinking.
Perceivers prefer to gather as much data as possible. Judgers prefer to make decisions and move on to the next. My wife is a prime example. She loves to explore subjects on the internet. She can do it for hours at a time. I say that she has researched enough to have multiple Masters Degrees. My Judging is often aghast when she is shopping for something; does all the research and then doesn’t buy. However, she enjoyed the hunt.
President Bartlett on the TV series West Wing is my hero of a judging type. He is always saying, “What’s next?. He is ready to make the next decision while relying on his staff to do the research.
Another difference in this area has to do with orderliness. While I can be as messy as the next person I am the one who always turns out the light when leaving a room. I close doors behind me. My wife on the other hand leaves everything open, draws in the kitchen and the door to the microwave. I have learned not to be annoyed. It is my issue. She doesn’t see. To notice or care whe. I come along and close them.
You may have, noticed that our two middle letters are the same: NF. In Personality Type theory this is called Temperament. There are four temperaments. NF, NT, SF, and ST. We of the NF variety live in the past and the future. It seems very difficult for us to be in the present. We are nostalgic and visionary. Consequently we have some blind spots in our lives. Financial management is a challenge as are the regular tasks of paying attention to our immediate surroundings. For example, home repairs can be difficult and often problems go unnoticed until almost too late.
Somewhat strangely it in our less conscious areas that we can be most creative. For example, playing musical instruments or modeling clay use the skills of ST. Sports depend largely on SP. We both do some of each.
Let’s go back now and discuss the two function not represented in me or my wife: Sensing versus Intuition and Thinking vs Feeling.
Perhaps the biggest difference between Sensing and Intuition has to do with numbers and order. Sensing prefers to take one thing at a time in an orderly manner. Intuition easily juggles an infinite number of ideas all at once and sees how they relate. Sensing is here in the present. Intuition is in the imaginative future. Intuition may have its head in the clouds while Sensing has its feet planted firmly on the ground. Both are needed and useful. “Without vision the people parish.” However dreams don’t put meat on the table. “The Devil is in the details.” If you don’t know where you are going you will probably end up somewhere else.
Thinking wants to discover the right and logical decision. Feeling wants to find the good and harmonious decision. If we are dealing with our opposite it can be a crucial distinction. Put another way, Thinkers criticize first and appreciate second. Feelers are the opposite. They appreciate first and perhaps are critical second. Feeling picks up the vibes. Thinking sees the patterns. These are not so much opposite as different categories.
Any combination of types can get along. It is important to understand your differences and minimize your blind spots. I am an “If all else fails read the instructions.” Intuitive. It gets me in trouble. We have felt the lack of Thinking and learned the hard way about finances.
I hope this has been helpful and encouraging.
If you have followed the thread of Understanding Personality Type the above will make sense. If you have not you will get the gist of what I am trying to say. However, I recommend you follow this LINK and begin at the beginning for a fuller appreciation this essay.