Read about Wisdom from my Spiritual Directors. It seems that ,most of my adult life I have either been in therapy or had a monthly visit with a spiritual director. They all have been good listeners and on occasion offered good advice and/or bits of wisdom.
One of my long running challenges was my relationship with my mother. Marie Johnson in Rochester posed this wise question. “Geoff, when are you going to love your mother for who she is and not who you want her to be?” That was back in the lates ‘70s. Sadly it seems I am only making progress years later after Mom has died.
Fr. Burt Aires was an Episcopal priest. A recovering Alcoholic and support person for others in addiction. I am not an Alcoholic. However like many others I’m a very compulsive person with addictive tendencies, be it over working or over eating etc. Fr. Burt was an avid sports fan. The best thing he ever said to me was, “ Life is not a run up the middle. It’s an end run around the edges.” One other thing has stuck with me. I asked him why people were always walking all over me. And he said, “ If you lie down and open your mouth they will shovel in the sh—t.”
Marge was a lay woman in Tucson. She was my guide through Ignatian Spiritual exercises. She helped me with my codependency issues and gave me the word “resources” that I might be reminded that everything was not just up to me alone!
Pat, also in Tucson, had been a Roman Catholic Nun. She helped me come to face the truth that part of me wished my chronically ill wife would just die and get the struggle over. Of course that was only a small part but of me. Yet an unacknowledged negative will unconsciously act out in uncontrolled ways. Whereas, once acknowledged can be understood and it’s power neutralized.
In later years my spiritual director/therapist Paul, gave me a new framework to understand my struggle in my relationship with my mother. I came to accept that I am an adult child of a narcissist. Within this framework I was able to set new boundaries with my mother and relate to her more as Marie had suggested.
Gary lasted the longest of any counselor. This was true mostly because I didn’t move out of town. He had two main ideas that were repeated many times. The first direction is to make the next right decision with love. The second is to forgive yourself and others for decisions that weren’t so good. Then move back to step one again making as best as one can the next right decision with love.
Gary’s Second mantra was to always point to a triangle diagram on his whiteboard. The corners of the triangle are marked with the words persecutor, victim, rescuer. These of course are not positions we should emulate. They are a pattern of behavior and interpersonal drama people with in systems take turns playing. It is a merry-go-round we need to do our best to avoid.
In time I felt it was time to move on to a new spiritual director. Teresa is a retired Methodist minister with whom I have shared ministry in the past. She like all the rest is a good listener. She also has the skill to ask the right questions that get to the heart of the things. This resonates well with me as life seems to be filled with problems to solve and questions to answer.
Hopefully these examples of wisdom will encourage your path to wholeness. You might consider finding a Spiritual Director or Pastoral Couselor or even a lay person who is a good listener.