This is a story about the Freedom of Forgiveness it begins in the middle; in September of 1984. My wife, Lily, and I were attending the first Inter-Faith Coastal Healing Seminar in Ogunquit, Maine, as ministers of music. During the first break on-the opening day of the conference we took a brief walk along The Marginal Way. a scenic walk by the ocean. To our surprise and pleasure the first beautiful things we saw were not the ocean and the sandy shore. but rows of fall flowers and a Monarch butterfly.
Butterflies and especially Monarch butterflies are symbols of the resurrection. They have always been a cause for joy for both Lily and me; especially because of our participation in Cursillo and Happening renewal ministries where this symbol is often used. So there it was this wonderful creature: this King of butterflies. The next marvelous thing was that both Lily and I had our cameras with us ready for taking pictures.
Later in the day I shared our experience as our thank offering at the opening Eucharist of the conference. However, this was only the wrapping for a much more glorious gift of God’s Love and Grace to me that week.
On the second afternoon we returned to the campsite up the road in Wells where we were staying. While Lily took a much needed nap, I took a walk in the nature preserve adjoining the campground. Again with my camera at the ready I came upon, not one, but two Monarch butterflies!
‘Thank you. Lord: I thought, and as I snapped some great close ups. l hoped to myself ‘Gee, maybe tomorrow I’ll see three: Then the accusing voice in my head spoke up and said. ‘That’s right Schmitt. Never satisfied with what you’ve got: But wonder of wonders the Lord is indeed gracious and determined to pour His Love upon me regardless of my attitudes. There before me on the path were not just three Monarch butterflies, but many. There were so many popping up here and there and mingled with a variety of other breeds that I had to stop counting at 200 I wandered thus in the tall grass by the tidal inlet for an hour enjoying God’s creation and being recreated myself.
That evening Francis McNutt led us in a healing meditation on Forgiveness.
He used the biblical story of Jesus washing the Disciples’ feet as his theme. After a brief talk Francis had us close our eyes and led us with our creative imagination to experience Jesus washing our feet. As I saw Jesus about to wash my feet I heard Francis say. ‘now think of the person you need to ask forgiveness of.’
First my mind was blank. Then all too quickly several people’s faces began to appear. Yet I sensed that these were just smoke screens for something deeper. Then of course there it was … and blackness overshadowed me and I sobbed out loud .. .”Matthew.”
Here is where I go back to the beginning of this story that I began in the middle. For you see, Matthew is the name that Lily and I gave to the child that we lost to an abortion back in the fall of 1979. Lily has two very rare diseases, Fascio-Scapular-Humeral Muscular Dystrophy and Scleroderma. a rare connective tissue disease. Though we had little choice at the time, I had carried much
guilt for the death of my son. The pregnancy came as a surprise, but a painful one. Lily’s body was unable to expand because of the tightening of her skin and connective tissue due to the Scleroderma She was at least two months into the pregnancy and taking many doses of Percodan, a very strong narcotic pain killer, before we even knew that “she was with child.
For me the choice seemed clear. Give up the ‘child and save my wife. But as soon as the ‘operation’ was over the clear choice was very muddied. Lily lay in her bed screaming, ‘I want my baby.’ And there was no consoling her. From that time on I wondered if I had taken the much too easy path. Had we decided too soon? Had I agreed to the killing of my own child needlessly? Was this emotional pain worse that whatever would have happened if we had waited to see if God would bring us a miracle or a miscarriage? I felt that our choice had been the only one we could have made and would make again in the same circumstances. Yet, knowing that this choice must indeed be somehow a choice for sin or a choice for death, I went to priest for confession. The sacrament helped me but it did not root out all my guilt feeling. My, pain and guilt lingered for years deep inside me.
So it was that I called ‘Matthew’ in this meditation. ‘Matthew, can you forgive me?’ Then one of the most Grace-filled adventures of my life began. The darkness lifted and I saw myself back in the butterfly field. There ahead of me sitting by the bank of the tidal inlet, was a man and a young boy fishing. They turned and I knew immediately that it was Matthew and Jesus. Matthew ran to me and I picked him up and hugged him tightly in my arms. ‘Oh, Matthew. Forgive me.’ I cried. As I set him down again he held out both hands to me. In one hand he held a Monarch butterfly and in the other the light of a tiny rainbow.
He stroked ‘my face and said. ‘Oh, Daddy. I love you and see I’m alive!’ As the meditation continued I could not hear Francis’ voice I was too busy playing in the field with Matthew and Jesus. I wanted to do all the things I had not been able to do with him. I even suggested that I might teach him to play chess. ‘Don’t be silly Daddy.’ Matthew said, “We can’t do it all in one afternoon.
Then I began to hear Francis again. The meditation was coming to a close and I saw Matthew again take Jesus’ hand and walk away across the field. Lily and my friend George were rubbing my back and consoling me as I came back to awareness of this world. I had been sobbing for quite some time and they of course had no idea what was going on in my head, heart, and soul.
Now you have read the middle and the beginning of my story. The continuing end of the story is yet to come.
This blessing of forgiveness turned into a powerful experience of healing not only for me but for those with whom I have shared it: first of all to Lily. Since I had kept a lot of my pain to myself, Lily had often felt alone in her pain, grief and guilt. It was healing for her to know how deeply I shared this with her. She also had a very healing experience during the, conference which involved many women who came and laid hands on her. None of them realizing until their prayer time was over that the Lord had called each one to share because each had experienced some kind of loss of children: some through abortion; some through miscarriage; and one very concerned about a runaway.
Following this conference Lily and I returned to Massachusetts. Our first evening at home, while Lily went out to make some house calls. I sat at home with a feeling that music was about to come. That is how I experience the gift of composition. Words and music come to me either from deep inside or from somewhere ‘out there.’ The song ‘Matthew My Little One’ is included below. An added blessing came a few days later as I wrote a more permanent copy. I always date my entries into my song book so 1 can remember the circumstance that go with its composition. As I looked up the date I realized that I had written this song on September 21st. An important date for me, for two reasons. It was the tenth anniversary of the day I asked Lily to marry me and it is St. Matthew’s day!
During the following weeks I shared this experience with many people. For the team and pilgrims of the Cursillo weekend that we helped to staff it brought healing to a woman who had lost two children years before in separate accidents within days of each other. As I told the story and song many eyes were filled with the healing waters of tears. Yet God had not completed His healing gift of love for Lily and me.
One friend who knew about Matthew, but not about our recent experience sent us a poster. It has a white background and upon it is a rising sun, a Monarch butterfly in orange and black, and these words from John 8:36 “If the Son therefore shall make you free. Ye shall be free indeed.”
The healing continued following this Cursillo weekend. It dawned on me that not only had I suffered a loss but my mother, who had come and had shared some of the pain of that difficult time with us, had lost a grandchild. So I wrote my mother a long letter and we drew closer than we had been for many years.
On the next Sunday I decided to share some of this experience with the congregation and wove the story and the song into my sermon. When Sunday came the Lord continued his Healing work. Lily’s mother and two sisters were sitting in the congregation. They had decided to drive out from Rochester, New York this very Sunday for a surprise visit!
My Faith and Hope is that there is no end to stories of Forgiveness and Love.
My prayer is that in sharing this story once more with you that the Healing continues in you. Jesus loves you every bit as much as He loves Matthew and Lily and me, His love is boundless. His forgiveness is beyond our greatest hopes. His healing power is for today, for you.
My Little One
Matthew, my little one, Matthew my son
Forgive me, I sing to you for all that I’ve done.
Abandoned and left alone, before you were born
It’s left us all broken, all shattered and torn.
With eyes closed and head bowed down, I prayed to the Lord
Oh Jesus, sweet Jesus come heal with your word
And then in my minds eye I plainly could see
My Jesus with Matthew and they seeing me
I ran to my little one, I held him so tight
Forgive me, forgive I cried, and Matthew just smiled
He reached out and stroked my face and looked in my eyes
Oh Daddy, I love you and see I’m alive
He reached out his right hand and gave me a gift
A butterfly to symbolize his heavenly bliss
And then in his left hand a tiny rainbow
It’s colors reminding me, have faith here below
Matthew, my little one, Matthew, my son
I’ll see you again some day, We’ll have lots of fun
We’ll play in God’s garden, with flowers so bright
While butterflies and rainbows dance in Jesus’ son light.